The Push
Two men, Roy and Cal, wear purple bathing suits while lounging in separate kiddie pools, each filled with raspberries. Scarlet sheets flow in the backdrop. A pink door centers the backdrop with a black knob.
Roy: Ain’t this the best, Cal?
Cal: Dear brother, I couldn’t be anymore content!
Roy: This is the shit.
Cal: Why, we have all that we need! Shall we play more tambourine? I’m so fond of that rattle.
(pause)
Roy: Dude (pause) It’s the best! (pause) Say, Cal, when are we getting drink?
Cal: Feeling empty?
Roy: God, yeah.
Cal: You can eat what’s right next to you, brother Roy; we’re filled with sustenance! We are in a veritable Elisium!
[Roy eats some raspberries]
Roy: Whoa, these things are good!
Cal: The sublime thing is, Roy, once you eat them, the pool fills one more!
Roy: Do you fill them up, Cal?
[Cal pauses and looks down]
Cal: No. I really don’t know how it happens, (pause) but do you not want to stay here forever?
Roy: Oh, you bet! Just me and my brother!
(they both laugh)
Roy: You’re great company, Cal.
Cal: As are you, Roy. I haven’t a clue how we got here.
Roy: Do you remember what it was like before this place?
Cal: Gardeners.
Roy: Weren’t we in Twinkie factory with dad?
Cal: That’s just your imagination Roy.
Roy: We weren’t in a space station in the shining sun?
Cal: We travailled as gardeners, Brother Roy.
Roy: Oh yeah. How many of them seeds did we plant?
Cal: Something about how you planted the wrong seeds, if I recall correctly.
Roy: Nah, something about you not being strong enough to lift the seed.
Roy and Cal (quasi-simultaneously): Sorry
Roy: We’re here now. This is great.
Cal: Say, Roy, I could use something to wash this food down.
Roy: Yeah, fuck!
Cal: There’s no means for a drink, is there?
Roy: Hold up a sec, bro. I know exactly what to do.
[Roy gets out of the kiddie pool, stumbles over to the door and gives it a solid kick]
Roy (yells in stracotto fashion): Some drink, por favor!
[a gallon of milk is lowered by a rope from the ceiling]
Roy: Haha! Works every time!
Cal: Thanks, Brother Roy! May we never age a day in our lives!
[Roy takes a big swig of the milk, brings it back to the pool and lays down]
Cal: Say, Roy, that drink could be shared.
Roy (downplaying): Hey, no problem, man. Just do the same thing I did.
Cal: Kick the door?
Roy: Yup. (pause) Just like that seedbag!
Cal (to self): Damnit! (to Roy) Well, when I kick the door and drinks come down, why don’t I just go through the door to have all the drink?
Roy: Well, then you’d leave, bro. You don’t want to leave me here all by myself, do you Cal?
Cal: Why don’t you just go with me?
Roy (overly-friendly): Hey, this is our pad! I’m making this place awesome so you never have to leave!
…
[Cal walks over to the door and weakly kicks it. (a few beats) and nothing comes down from the ceiling]
Cal: I’m not exerting enough force.
Roy: Try a little harder, brother. What can I tell you?
[Cal tries again and fails]
Cal: This is embarrassing.
Roy: Then go through the door.
Cal: I will!
[Cal tries opening the door gets but is too weak. He starts exaggerating the effort to open the door. He takes a few steps back and throws his body at the door. (pause) A paper, school lunchroom box of milk comes down from the ceiling. It descends near Roy. Roy snatches it without getting out of his pool.]
Roy: Oh, look, summilk.
(approaching Roy)
Cal: Oh, look, the door opened!
[Roy snaps his head back to look at the door.]
Roy: Nobody’s leaving that fucking door!
[Cal goes behind Roy and steals the milk.]
Roy: Brother, can you spare some milk?
Cal: One sec, pal.
[Cal rips open the carton and downs it.]
Cal: Oh, hell yea!
Roy: I… well… surely there was a reason for that.
Cal: Yea, buddy, there was! I’m as strong as a lion!
Roy: Cal, I’m displeased you took my milk.
Cal: King of the jungle!
Roy: Ok Aslan, let’s get back to our sojourn.
Cal: Nuh-uh, it’s door time, baby!
[Cal throws the milk carton down and runs over to the door]
Roy: You think have enough strength to open the door?
(impatiently)
Cal: Yes.
Roy: (munches some raspberries) But do you have enough strength to face what’s beyond the door?
…
Cal: Well, I would say that door can wait if I can spend some more time with my dearest brother.
Roy: What a noble thing to say, Cal.
(rising from the pool)
Roy: I’m so glad that this time will never end and we’ll never go through that door.
Cal: There could, however, be more raspberries and milk on the other side.
Roy: Maybe, something better… you ever thought about that Smart Guy Cal?
Cal: Nothing’s better than being with my brother, is there?
Roy: Oh, you treat me like royalty.
Cal: I’m going flush!
Roy: Hey, I want to show you something.
Cal: What is it?
Roy: I got this, this machine.
Cal: A what?
Roy: It looks like the hoses we used when we were gardeners.
[Roy takes a skin-toned two garden hoses that are each attached to the individual kiddie pools and demonstrates his instructions to Cal]
Roy: These things stick to your belly button and you can bungee jump across the whole frickin’ room. Waddya say we try these things on? We could go through the door together, and the hose will keep us in paradise!
Cal (cautiously): Sure.
[Roy fastens the hoses around himself and Cal.]
Cal (desperately): But we are in paradise…
Roy: We’ve been through this, Cal. Let’s try and move forward, forward through that door! (pause) Ready?
Cal: Yes.
Roy: One… two… three!
[Roy and Cal run towards the door. Cal recoils back from a short line before he can reach the door. Cals falling is really over the top. Cal watches Roy from the kiddie pool]
Roy (maniacally): Hahaha, you got the short line. The First Out the Door would ever have a short line. I will enter the door! I win!
[Roy opens the door and starts stepping through it. Cal manages to pull Roy’s hose at this moment, so Roy flies back from the door and shutting it in the same motion]
…
[There is a long pause. Cal drops his head]
Roy: Not so weak, now are we Cal?
Cal: Not so stupid, now are we Roy?
Roy: Calling your The Doorman stupid?
Cal: Calling yourself a The Doorman?
Roy: I will get through that door. I have the strength!
Cal: Your strength is doing you good in that nutrient pool. (pause) Nothing more than a puddle of mistakes.
Roy: Oh! Dude. That’s not good. (beat) That sucks. I thought you were this cool guy in the garden and everything, but it’s like damn, now you have to die.
Cal: I’m enthralled with the opaque plan to rule and kill me, really. Is that why you want the power? Parading your denseness along the streets as you scrape your knuckles? Listen, Roy...
Roy (interrupting): A world of strength and honor!
Cal: A true euphemism for tyranny!
Roy: What exactly do you do, now? What have you even done since you’ve been here? The truly sincere adulation of my brother means so much from me. All those pretty words, you’re a bejeweled sword handle with a dull blade, dear brother. The promises you make, the lofty ideals you speak out of the side of your mouth, and the bitter half virtue with you, there’s nothing there. You’re all talk!
Cal: Said the man on an inflated rant.
Roy: You’ll have peace and quiet when I lay you to rest!
[Roy and Cal get out of the pool and wrestle standing up in between the pools. It’s a rather pathetic fight. They end up throwing each other against the door. They exchange dialogue while wrestling]
Roy: Your hose! It reaches the door!
Cal: It’s not a hose. It’s a cord, you dolt! It grows! Don’t you know that from where we are?
Roy: A crime scene!
[Roy lands a right hook. Cal falls over as he screams in pain. An ominous, semi-audible, deep voice moans in pain offstage simultaneously. Roy stands over Cal]
Roy: (bewildered) What was that?
Cal: The last sound you’ll hear!
[Cal grabs Roy’s cord and does a swooping motion to trip him. They are now both, backs flat, on the ground]
Roy: You can’t kill me. You are too weak!
[Cal sighs and hold up Roy’s cord to him]
Cal: (bluntly) You don’t know what this is.
(pause. Roy looks blankly in silence.)
Cal: (cont) You need this. This is like a hilt and you are the sword.
Roy: Well, can you stop hitting me with it then?
Cal: (resigned) Yes, absolutely brother.
Roy (gregariously and chuckling to self): Alright, because it was making it hard to beat you and become The One Who Leaves the Door when you were doing that.
Cal: Oh, absolutely. (pause) I know it’s troublesome so let me detach it for you.
Roy: Awww, this is so cool!
[Cal bites the cord and it splits in half. Both Roy and the ominous voice offstage yell in pain]
Roy: God that hurt. It’s off now?
[Cal doesn’t respond]
Roy: (more loudly) It’s off now?
Cal: (affectionately) Yes.
[Roy laughs heartily, stands up, lifts his arms in victory, and takes a victory lap]
Roy: (to Cal) You are a fool.
[silence]
Roy: This hose has been broken and I am free to leave through the door.
Cal: Brother, please, no!
Roy: I am the One Who Enters the Doorway. I am the First! Not us, me!
Cal: Roy, I will miss you.
Roy: I’ll let you be under me once I am through the doorway.
(pause)
Cal: (feigning sincerity) Thank you.
[Roy, arms still raised, slowly and deliberately walks over to the door. He opens the door, stands for a moment just before the doorway and looks back at Cal]
Roy: Cal, come with me
Cal: (feigning fondness) Yes, yes.
Roy: And conquer [Roy coughs up blood].
Cal: What was that Roy?
[Roy falls down dead, body falling towards the stage and audience. Two moments pass. There is a quasi-audible voice of stage that is heard]
Voice of Man: Push!
[Roys body moves closer through the doorway, away from the audience and towards the backdrop]
Voice of Man: Push!
[the body moves again and Roy’s body is hardly seen in the doorway anymore]
Voice of Man: He’s here! He’s here! One more push!
[Roy’s remaining appendages are pushed off the stage through the door. The door shuts by itself. A very audible and ominous woman’s scream is heard. Cal laughs and stands up. He lifts his hands up, palms upward and chest puffed out, neck crooning like a he's bathing in sun]
Cal: (extremely satisfied) I couldn’t be anymore content.
[more screams are heard from offstage]
Cal: Oh, that won’t be a bother.
[Cal joyously pulls on his own cord]
Voice of Man: (amazed) There’s another! Push, Your Highness!
[Cal gleefully gets pushed towards the door]
Voice of Man: Push!
[Cal hops forward right in the doorway]
Cal: (in a delighted, quiet, aware and surprised voice) Oh, I’m crowning!
Voice of Man: One more push, my queen!
[Cal exits. Cheers are heard.]
Voice of Man (mainly audible, can be in a deep ominous tone or more regular, conversational tone): He lives! The Queen has a son! The next heir to the throne is born! All hail the next King!
...
